Words

*below is something I wrote in my journal in Oct of 2015. I will not edit it and just type it exactly as I wrote it. I will say that what I was feeling went on for a good five or six months. The longest ever did. I am better. I did get help. I am my old self. I am... so I know others out there can be. I even got a semi colon tattoo to help remind myself (maybe do a post on it later)*




Sometimes I only ever still feel alive when I am in another world. Listening to music, reading book after book after book, watching a movie... just losing myself in the stories. If I stop for anything other than basic needs......I feel...empty. I feel that crushing despair and feeling of panic, failure and hopelessness creeping in on me. Suffocating me in its hunger. It has an ravenous appetite. I have been feeling it coming on for a few months (anyone who has been here...knows that sadness and the struggle to keep it at bay)

I am just so tired. Always fighting something. Having to overcome obstacles, not just regular life ones (that I feel are only determined by majority of society so maybe they are not really regular but we just give them that title?). I have death, loss of career, health condition, struggling to keep siblings safe and happy (regardless of lose family members and have to go to court because of a mother who refuses to do what is best for them. regardless of a little sister who seems so self destructive I can barely keep up some days)

So confession? I gave up. I am not proud of that... I let go. Again... hi old friend. Then when I let go? I have the addition of the guilt and anger from letting go ON TOP of the other feelings. I stop being social, ignore my animals beyond basic feeding and letting them cuddle, ignore my loved ones in my house beyond making sure fed and going to school or work, ignore my loved ones outside of home by quitting contact and dodging their attempts. I just want to play pretend, hit the pause button and lose myself in make believe or another persons creation.

how unfair of me.

My dreams are struggles of maintaining that fantasy world instead of my memories, fears and hopes taking over. To remind me of what happened. To remind me of who I am.
*scoffing at myself right now* Like....the woman who is called Hurricane Bridgette, Vitamin B (a dear friend says she needs a daily dose or when she gets a dose it perks her up like a vitamin). The proud, fiery, hopeful red head who fights with everything she is and loves people/animals and life even harder than that. That gal is this shell of a gal? That gal no longer has the strength to even just be her true self?

What kind of lame shit is that? How weak am I? Those are daily questions asking myself right now (since around Oct) Oh I can and do try to give reason to myself, my loved ones who are watching me helplessly. Worried as I wither away from the inside. What about allllll that has happened to me? What period of my 34 years would you like to focus on? To find the reason., The excuse. Trust me there are some valid ones (but to me never fully give excuse)I try to use those past moments to DO BETTER.... be better. Show a choice was made then to overcome. Why not now? Why cant I do that? Why do I not just accept that I may need a pill, I may need counseling. That I preach the horrible stigma attached to those forms of aid and tell people not ignore that. Do what needs to be done. Yet for me? It is not a tool it is a crutch. It is a band aid. It won't help. Ugh... so contradicting.

Sigh this is my battle... this standing on the edge of the cliff. A familiar place. Barely holding on. Again. All my demons trying to yank me down. This time? I need.... more. To get back up? I need help. So till I do? As I keep trying and failing? I am so thankful for words. Words on paper in the pattern of a story. Another world. Words on sheets of music flowing through me. This world still...but? I am living it half through another pain, joy, desire, sadness and happiness.

This is all handle past several weeks. Why can't anyone accept that? Just leave me alone. Let me be tired and weak. Just for a few more moments......

How do you start over?

Hello Blogspot...

How do you breathe life into something you used to love so much? Do you tear it down and re start? Or be a trooper through it and let it be shown you lost your creativity? Your desire to share was there but draft after draft left you feeling empty so you let life carry you away and forgot a form of release for you. A community you had started to build up. People you checked on weekly if not daily to see what they chose to share with you and others out there.

I am going with the second option. I am hoping to be back. I am back some where I used to be, like in the USA. Crazy huh? Part of my time away was losing myself, finding myself.. am I anyone without being a couple? Am I couple? Are we happy? That all got shoved away with several deaths, a big one being my husband's father not even a month after being told he was being medically retired from the United States Air Force. After fifteen years.. among all of the other stresses we were faced with civilian life five years before we planned and the loss of a retirement he had been working towards. My life as an active spouse was done, putting my career on hold every few years? Was no more. Where to go, what to do?? Well with several degrees and decades of experience between us we would be okay right? Well here we are among that path. It is month eight of being back in the US and in the state of Texas.

So much to share, write, pics to post, people to catch up. To see if between all got going on if I am able to fall back in love with this place. If I can? I hope I can.

~B~

Brushing the Dust Off

I have missed this.

Blogging.

Don't you hate it when life and other social media gets you so busy and so caught up you have no time or do not make it for something you used to love so much.

I am trying to take Dec to find some new things to blog about, revamp it, set up some posts to get posted ahead of time. That way when classes start up again in Jan I can better keep up with it. With as much as I have been into polish, cooking, the places I traveled to, random quotes I find..I  know I can get back into posting. Not that I was that good to begin with. I just do not want to throw this to the wayside.


Here's to brushing the dust off, finding new footing and braving a new path.

~Hugs~
Bridgette

Help out Nicole Hamlett again

Hey everyone. This is a great self-published author. Nicole Hamlett. She writes a series on Grace Murphy. Think kick butt heroine, with a sassy mouth, single mom, demi gods, gods,(but a new spin on them) powers, love etc. The first two are already out " Huntress" and "Rifts" the third one " Volcanoes" is ready to hit shelves on the 6th. Just by clicking on this link and looking at her profile, her books and her kickstarter you help me earn points as part of her street team per say. You also will quickly want to read them I know it. =) They are cheaply priced and you are helping out a fellow mom who is just following her dreams.

Click HERE

Just check it out. Does not hurt to try.

~bridgette~

Support this Kickstarter

Okay two posts in one day.
But I had to try to get this out there anyway I could.

CLICK HERE

If you click that you will be getting the chance to support an awesome, hard working, self-publishing author of e-books and single mom, Nicole Hamlett.

She writes the Grace Murphy Novels you can find on amazon and other sites.

Huntress and Rifts

She has a couple new book series she wants to start and as that she is already writing another one and is self-employeed she needs FUNDS to do so.

So click here and get access to some great books and help a fellow woman, mom, author, book lover and American in one swoop.

Thanks guys

~Hugs~
Bridgette

Julep Maven- Join Now for ONE PENNY

Hey lovely readers! I won't bother giving excuses about lack of posts.

I have plenty in draft form that I am adding to as I can. Life is life and sometimes  you just can not excuse yourself from other things to sit down and write on your own blog. I am just happy I can find time to fit in my reading of my favorite blogs. I have several posts on my nails. That is what this one is all about but I wanted to post this wonderful thing to you. I found out about Julep Maven from Carla a blog I follow. She is a lovely gal that is a fellow military spouse, loves shoes, nail polish and clothes as much or more than me.

Around January she posted about her recent find of a Seattle based company and their monthly polish club. Julep is a salon in Seattle that makes fantastic colors, products AND sells them online!

Sweet!

You can click on their name Julep here to get more information about them

Now onto what Julep Maven is and WHY I am finally posting to only post about them

Well not only are they American, owned,operated and even make their products in the United States but they make them without a lot of the additives that other nail polishes have. I call that a WIN WIN, wouldn't you??

Now their monthly club is only 19.95, you take a survey about what style  you are. I am usually Classic with a Twist, but just this past month I switched to American Beauty because I preferred what that box was. Each box comes with either two polishes and an product, just polish, great products etc. But it changes each month and you can request to change to another box for a month and then the following go back to your style(based on that survey) automatically.

Great huh?

So why bother you with this?

BECAUSE YOU CAN GET YOUR FIRST BOX FOR ONE PENNY!!!

What it this day in age costs just one penny anymore? Not only that for every two people that join by clicking on THIS LINK will give me a month for free. So it helps us both out.

Enter code: SHAREONMAY

Go ahead and check them out, even if you don't do the monthly club(which I think you should), their polish is something you HAVE to just try.

See you soon

(back to finals...grumbles...)

~Hugs~

Bridgette

Goals

This year has already been one full of goals achieved and unfortunately...many failures.

I need change.

I need to make my own change

So here are some quotes I have been reading to inspire me, to help me set attainable goals, to be focused.

Figured others could use some too?

Every ceiling, when reached, becomes a floor, upon which one walks as a matter.
 of course and prescriptive right
Aldous Huxley


The virtue lies in the struggle, not in the prize.
Richard Monckton Milnes



It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


GOOD LUCK IN ALL YOUR STEPS, GOALS and ACHIEVEMENTS!!!

Month of Thankfulness

Everyday on facebook I have been updating my status with what I am thankful for. I realized today that I should come over here and put them on. So since I am behind by fifteen days on here, to make it even. I am going to copy and paste my first fifteen days to here in one post. Then will wait and put the other fifteen once I am done. It really is a great way to stop and be grateful. To think of what makes you happy, what is good in your life. We should do it more often than just Nov, but for now a month is a good start.


Day 15: I am thankful today for several reasons/ things. A cup of steaming apple cider in front of a fireplace, long meaningless talks with friends that still fill my heart up and real non forced hugs from my siblings, in public. But most of all am thankful to be writing that I get to enjoy these things. I am thankful to be alive, to have a fighting spirit and the will to make my future amazing. So today's is a mix of things... All important in their own way.


Day 14: Today I am thankful for my fur babies. Having a dog or cat gives you the feeling of complex loyalty and unconditional love. They don't care what you look like, how much you make or even if you were mean to them the day before. They just want your love and will give it back. They are a mix of intelligence and innocence. I will continue to help anyone of them in need and will always own too many. So another challenge to you on this thankful day... Last time you helped out a loving animal that needs help? Donate money, volunteer at a shelter. Every bit helps. ♥


Day 13: I am very thankful for modern day products. Being a woman is hard... But fantastic creams, bath balls, lotions, fun eye shadows, popping mascara...all that lets you change yourself up and have fun. A hard day can be eased away by a bubble bath... Not a deep post today, but to us women important all the same!


Day Twelve: I am thankful for forgiveness,understanding and helpfulness. We all need these traits in our lives. Sometimes all three at once and at times need to be the one doing them. I am thankful for people that in situations that seem daunting, they understand. Thankful for when I can't do anything right I have those that forgive. Last but not least, am
thankful for those that don't even get asked and they help or they are beyond helpful with knowing it.

Being part of this wonderful military family on Veterans Day, I just posted this instead of about me...

‎11/11/11 At 11:11... lets all have silence in our homes! Thank those that have fought, those that are and those that will. I am proud to be part of this military family and beyond proud to have a kick butt husband that serves his country anyway he is asked. Special shout out to friends that are doing their duty on deployments that have taken them from family for too long. You are all in our thoughts. We are going to go to the graves of the fallen WWI and WWII brave men and pay our respect and give thanks. Reminds us that freedom is not free and our beautiful country is a blessing.


Day Ten: I am thankful for tv shows!! They provide endless hours of lazy time, shared interests with friends across the world and can make me feel like we share moments. They are there to give me a break from school, work... Just life. Give me education, laughs and shocks. It's also basically free and has no time limit. Yes not a very " deep" thing to be thankful for...but to do thirty days... I need to spread out the thoughtful ones. Also it's perfectly okay to be honest that some things that make you happy are frivolous.




Day Nine: I am very thankful for a house that has heat on lights on and food in it. Been there without all three and its something that is earned and should be treasured. So many don't have a home and lots of those are children. Being through things make me just want to work harder to keep making our house a home. As well as help those in need!! On this day of thanks... I CHALLENGE you!! Donate to a food bank, full Thanksgiving meal or half of one. Go one step more and serve food at a shelter before you eat yours!!! Appreciate your home!!! I do, even more so today.


Day Eight: I am so thankful that I have amazing siblings!! am close to four of them and plan on getting closer! My sister Alex is more than a sister she's one of my closest friends. She is so down to earth, artistic and beautiful! Gage is turning into a young man and making me feel old. He will always be my "red" and the charming lil toddler that loved to watch Blade. Mason is still the character and one of the biggest smartasses I know and he's only 12. He already makes me proud of how he treats his girlfriend and will only get better. Jessica is still my B.B.O.T.A!! But the quickest kid I know to help you clean and cook anything. So helpful!!! My sister Kim is such a strong, hard working single mom of three boys I can't wait to see. Cullen is turning into such a tall young man and is still such a sweetie and we share the love of Ghost Adventures. Elizabeth is a Daddy's girl and had the three broken arms to show that she's a tomboy. Kenny is the family expert on computer games and is so sweet and we are thankful as a family that he is high functioning and I can't wait to see him soon. This is long, I know but I have NINE!! Love them all


Day Seven: I am so thankful for my husband. Actually thankful doesn't even describe it!! I never thought or knew my marriage/relationship would be this. He is strong, hard working, intelligent, kind and beyond thoughtful. He loves my quirky, nerdy and stubborn ways and my baggage didn't scare him. He helped heal me in a very difficult time and made me feel safe. I am one of the rare few that can call their husband their best friend too. He also is my advisor, chef, banker, etc.... I love you Ryon!! Thank you for pursuing me and making me see we were more than just fun.....Without you the past eight years would be totally different and that thought scares me. Soo yeah thankful for him today and everyday.Not to mention he is an exceptional role model to my brothers/sister and said yes to them living here without a hesitation. He shows them how to treat a lady right, puts them in check and plays video games with them for hours!! He shows Jessica how to do Math(I hate it) and spoils me rotten do shows her how she should be treated. He is an amazing NCO and Airmen, a friend that's there when you need him!! Lol I guess you could say I am smitten. I am done now


Day Six: I am thankful for being part of this crazy, very hard at times, amazing Military family. The traditions, the experiences and knowledge you just can't get unless your active duty or married to one. It's something I wouldn't want to not have in my life. I am so proud to know and call friends some of the strongest men and women in America


Day Four~ I am beyond thankful and blessed to have the loved ones I have in my life. To thank each of them would take too long,but they deserve it. My husband, family(blood and adopted) friends that are my family, friends.....just you all!!You know who you are....thank you! You being in my life has improved it and I cherish our memories.


Day Three: I am thankful for modern times. Might seem dumb to be thankful for that...but The Internet allows us to be able to keep in touch with our loved ones which is so important!! Plus modern medicine is AHHH-mazing. being a woman in this time period is awesome. I can't imagine not being able to do pretty much any job I want, vote and to speak my mind!! ;)


Day Two: I am thankful today for my healthy body. Being able to be independent and do things on your own is a blessing.


Day One: am thankful for loved ones who are there for you when you need them