Words

*below is something I wrote in my journal in Oct of 2015. I will not edit it and just type it exactly as I wrote it. I will say that what I was feeling went on for a good five or six months. The longest ever did. I am better. I did get help. I am my old self. I am... so I know others out there can be. I even got a semi colon tattoo to help remind myself (maybe do a post on it later)*




Sometimes I only ever still feel alive when I am in another world. Listening to music, reading book after book after book, watching a movie... just losing myself in the stories. If I stop for anything other than basic needs......I feel...empty. I feel that crushing despair and feeling of panic, failure and hopelessness creeping in on me. Suffocating me in its hunger. It has an ravenous appetite. I have been feeling it coming on for a few months (anyone who has been here...knows that sadness and the struggle to keep it at bay)

I am just so tired. Always fighting something. Having to overcome obstacles, not just regular life ones (that I feel are only determined by majority of society so maybe they are not really regular but we just give them that title?). I have death, loss of career, health condition, struggling to keep siblings safe and happy (regardless of lose family members and have to go to court because of a mother who refuses to do what is best for them. regardless of a little sister who seems so self destructive I can barely keep up some days)

So confession? I gave up. I am not proud of that... I let go. Again... hi old friend. Then when I let go? I have the addition of the guilt and anger from letting go ON TOP of the other feelings. I stop being social, ignore my animals beyond basic feeding and letting them cuddle, ignore my loved ones in my house beyond making sure fed and going to school or work, ignore my loved ones outside of home by quitting contact and dodging their attempts. I just want to play pretend, hit the pause button and lose myself in make believe or another persons creation.

how unfair of me.

My dreams are struggles of maintaining that fantasy world instead of my memories, fears and hopes taking over. To remind me of what happened. To remind me of who I am.
*scoffing at myself right now* Like....the woman who is called Hurricane Bridgette, Vitamin B (a dear friend says she needs a daily dose or when she gets a dose it perks her up like a vitamin). The proud, fiery, hopeful red head who fights with everything she is and loves people/animals and life even harder than that. That gal is this shell of a gal? That gal no longer has the strength to even just be her true self?

What kind of lame shit is that? How weak am I? Those are daily questions asking myself right now (since around Oct) Oh I can and do try to give reason to myself, my loved ones who are watching me helplessly. Worried as I wither away from the inside. What about allllll that has happened to me? What period of my 34 years would you like to focus on? To find the reason., The excuse. Trust me there are some valid ones (but to me never fully give excuse)I try to use those past moments to DO BETTER.... be better. Show a choice was made then to overcome. Why not now? Why cant I do that? Why do I not just accept that I may need a pill, I may need counseling. That I preach the horrible stigma attached to those forms of aid and tell people not ignore that. Do what needs to be done. Yet for me? It is not a tool it is a crutch. It is a band aid. It won't help. Ugh... so contradicting.

Sigh this is my battle... this standing on the edge of the cliff. A familiar place. Barely holding on. Again. All my demons trying to yank me down. This time? I need.... more. To get back up? I need help. So till I do? As I keep trying and failing? I am so thankful for words. Words on paper in the pattern of a story. Another world. Words on sheets of music flowing through me. This world still...but? I am living it half through another pain, joy, desire, sadness and happiness.

This is all handle past several weeks. Why can't anyone accept that? Just leave me alone. Let me be tired and weak. Just for a few more moments......