Saturday, August 28

Some words.

Why is there this need on this day, that I feel the need to write? It is not as if  you or those events that occured on this day 9 years ago never cross my mind at times through out the rest of the year.
But it just something about this day, that makes me feel I have to write.


 To say hello? To let you know you are still in my heart, that we all miss you? To try to find a song or the words to let you know your death was not in vain? Is it to show other people that even though I moved on, I have a heart and not to think that I never loved you? To make myself feel better, to get these memories, good and horribly horribly bad down on paper or computer screen?


I think it is all of the above.

I do talk to you sometimes, I do wonder if we would have stayed together, would you have proposed to me 3 days later like you were going to, would I have said yes? If we didn't would we have stayed friends? I hope so to all of that in a way.

Since I do talk and I hope you listen, since I believe in that sort of thing. You know you are still in my heart, you are/were such a gentle soul, so corny and funny. You are deeply missed. Probally not even the most by me. You were an Alaskan country boy to the core. Your love err...more like obession for your truck was endearing and amusing at the same time.

Over the years I have found several songs to go towards how I feel/felt and to find the words for me about your death, here are some of them.

I too, in a selfish way want others to know I think about you on this day. I hope too that you were upset with those that could not see me "move on". That so rudely ended their friendship, if I even had one for reals with them to begin with. I mean 11 months is too soon? We knew each other in school, had been friends for months before we dated and then we dated for 7 months. We were 19, the whole world ahead of us and I was supposed to end my life? Have my heart die with you? A part of it did.  I just find it so un fair the words that were said about me. I am so confused as to how I dishonored your memory. I hope you don't think so?

Memories. Sigh. The memories, there was a time that no good ones were there, the darkness that was in my mind and soul overpowered the good times we had. My mind replayed the night over and over again, trying to find a solution or another event that did not end up with my scars, physical and emotional, most importantly did not end up with you dead. That darkness started to spread too far, I had to stop it. The hospital vists and surgery after surgery did not help the light I was seeking to find me.

I broke down so many times, tried so hard to be normal, party, laugh, live...tried so hard to sleep at night, not to be so afraid to even use the bathroom with out the door locked. Tried so hard, that some thought it did not affect me, some thought I got over it quickly. Did they not see that was part of getting over it? Did they not see the shadows in my eyes, the desperatness in my smile? The lies in my laughs? Am I that good of an actress.

But in the end I am thankful for the battle I survived and it took a bit for me to get there, to be able to say that. I will always wonder why me? Why not him? Could he be further in life than I right now? To be fair, I am not where I wanted to be at 28, career wise. However, I can not change that, it is how it is. So I have to look at my scars and be thankful I still have my arm, eye and knee. I have to deal with the times a shadow at night or a sound makes my heart pump quick and hard and the lose of sleep that night occurs. Be thankful that I have the abilty to be scared and be thankful that no one will ever get in my house and put my life in their hands again. ever.

Sometimes this "pep" talk would work,  others just empty thoughts and words to attempt to make my guilt and pain seem less.

It is weird that last year, I thought of you, wrote some words, but was okay.

This year. not so. It has been a rough week. Maybe it was from the pictures, the slideshow, it brought your face back right in front of my brain and thoughts. The good times right there in the front, which then brought the bad. Nightmares every night this week, un able to sleep till daylight, calling into my work and being sad. I had hoped those affects were done with.


this is a depressing post

I do not want that to be, I am in love, deeply with a man that I only allowed myself to start to fall in love with because of the love you gave me, the relationship we had. Thank you

I have made wonderful friends and have tons of pictures, because of our friendship and lack of pictures of our moments, I feel I cherish them all more, because of you. the loss of you. Thank you.

I have seen different countries, cultures and cherished it and lived it. Because of you.

So know that it was not your time, nothing will ever make it completly right, but your death was not in vain, those horrible moments in that event will have some sort of postive effect. Know that I am that much stronger, appriecative and more open to new things, because of your death.

Dustin, you are missed and today that longing to see you is that much stronger. That is all the reasons why I want to write on this day.