Why Do I feel so InAdequate

Another long week has passed over here in sunny yet really cold(for Sept anyways) Belgium. This week has had alot of downs but I think has ended on an up note. I have not gotten hired anywhere for a part time job. It is starting to bother me and Ryon I do believe. I got the bank job so quickly and it felt like a blessing. What if it was and me quitting to be selfish and pursue my goals was like a slap in the face? We heard so many horror stories of people not finding work for almost a year, blah blah. Well we found a house quick, furniture got here on time, pay did not get messed up(big one on moving with military) I got a job quick. Nothing was going badly.......

That is why I felt okay to finally say okay no more good paying jobs that I am not liking. Let's do something that will make me happy and secure my future. If I get this degree I will be the FIRST person on either side of my family to get a bachelors degree. That makes me happy to think I can make my mom and dad happy. I can make Ryon happy by earning a decent but I think underpaid salary. Plus can be doing what I love....teaching little kids. Now I have also wanted to be a psychologist,,focusing on criminal or child(I know totally opps) but that is why I will get a minor in Psych. That way when I have children, and have been a far better mom than my own was(I love my mom though) If I still want that, if after years at teaching if I fill a Lil empty. I can go further with psych and then do that instead. I just want to DO SOMETHING that makes A DIFFERENCE. There will always be another person to work at a bank, or be a Mgr at a loan company( I say that cause those are the jobs I have done for last 2yrs) I want to be that Mrs. Collier that noticed a child being abused at home, overcame a child's learning difficulty, told someone about what I grew up around, the shit I have been through and CHOSE to not go down that path, and have them follow my lead. I want to be what I had in my two fave teachers.

Anyways I just hate not feeling like I am giving my husband the support finical he deserves. We make it just fine, everything paid for, and food, and can do something fun every payday. BUT I feel bad when he wants something and we cant buy it right away, or we can not splurge as hard as I want us to be able to. I feel it is my fault. I hate feeling guilty about money. I just feel weak. I hate that I know I do not have the focus on will power right now to loose the weight I need to by working out the way I need to, go to school, keep the house going, and work full time. I can not do that. I felt that doing the school and weight thing was the best thing. Plus I want to work part time. I don't want to be lazy, well let me take that back cause I am a good damn wife.I am not a lazy wife. I am a Domestic Engineer as I like to say. I cook, clean, let him do boy things WITHOUT bitching, I let him have parties and act as hostess. Okay well I like having the parties too, I invite people too.. Not saying I do all these things for him and am unselfish in them. I just am saying that I support him...but I just feel lazy if I dont bring in ANY money at all.


Okay enough blabber pity me for now. I just was feeling that way this week, then I got sick after just two months ago of being sick. I never use to get sick this often.. Got in my first arguement over here in Belgium with my hunnyI hate fighting, I dont have the energy for it anymore. DOnt get me wrong I still like to argue but with him....I just can not anymore. So that sucked that we broke our awesome record. It was one of those"how stupid were we" ones too. BUT today we had a great day the sun was shinning..and I went and looked at puppies. I lovvvvvveee dogs. I love all animals, would not want my Lizzy Loo cat to be with anyone else but me. HOWEVER there is a joy of being able to have a puppy, to roll around with them, train them, know they feel your love and NEED IT. I love how loyal a dog is too. I go to adoption places and want to adopt. I never have though., in San Antonio all the strays running around. I always just saved animals. So it is cool to think of going and "picking" a dog. I like to think of it as they pick you too. If you pull them out of their sad kennel and they want nothing to do with you. Then well maybe they do not need to be with you. But when they are all over you, sit by you. Just want some hugs and kisses. Well then...it is a match. So I saw about 5 I wanted to today. 3 were grown up, maybe 1-2yrs old. The other 2 were lil Amercian Staff Puppies. AWwwwwwww.

So that made my week all better, seeing these dogs, giving them some freedom to run around, someone to pet them, getting all dirty and the puppies trying to lick me. It made all the stress go away. That is why EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE a dog and a cat. We as humans need to have them in our lives to remember the simple things, the de-stressing action of just petting your animal and having it puurrr or smile( I KNOW DOGS SMILE) to have them meow/bark at you when you get home after a crappy 8hr day. As if they are saying " there you are, where have you been, I miss you, hug me hug me hug me". Do you know what I mean?

So that is the week I had, on another postive note.....................drum roll................... I GOT MY VONAGE hoooked up. SO HAPPY, now I can call people and talk all the time, I can get calls. I have been devestated by not being able to talk to people. It made me really see how much I took my granted my cell phone and texting, Just having that lifeline at anytime. Out here in Cow-Land. Crappy pre paid mins, it was getting to me. So yipppppeeee for now I can talk.

SO y'all have a great weekend. Thanks for once again reading my nonsense, blabbing.

xoxo

Lalalalala De Di Da..BLAH

September is almost over, I am so happy for October to come. I love the fall colors and the smells, weather, the hoildays. I am going to try to make a vailant effort to get all my hoilday cards mailed at a time that people will get them before the day. I am so bad at mailing things. I have birthday presents for some family members(in july&august) that I still need to send. Ooops! So here in Belgium it is nice and sunny yet cold. I LOVE THAT. I have missed an actual fall living in San Antonio, Texas these last 4yrs. We have been told that it does snow here just does not stick very well. That is fine to me, to have a little bit of snow will just make me over the moon. I loved living in San Antonio it just only got "cold" maybe 3 weeks out of the year in Dec-Feb. I get to use my hats and scarves. Speaking of scarves..what the hell was this trend of wearing them around your neck IN THE SUMMER?!? Can't those people just make them part of their ensemble for the fall/winter? I look at some of the clothes people call trendy and ...well lets just say I guess I do not understand because I am not a New Yorker or Californian. =)


I had a great weekend, Oktoberfest started...phew crazy Germans. It was quite a party, people dancing on tables, falling over, cool mugs(I am collect steins now) gross beer, yummy shots, great food....yeah that about sums up my night. I can not wait to have some of my friends come experience Europe with me. I am not taking anything for granted. We are doing more stuff to our house. Ryon started our flowerbeds. We got some goregous red flowers that were randomly planted around here. So we moved them over to one section, Ryon added the rocks we bought. It looks really good. Figure might as well get started before winter comes. That way next year we just have to re-plant some things and that is it.

Oh we also bought a white tree this last week. I have choosen to do white.silver and black. Kind of like a NIghtmare before Christmas thing. Now before y'all go "eeeweww" I had a friend do it last year and let me tell you it looked like X-Mas still and was very modern. So that is what I wanted to do, yet no black decorations here at our little PXtra. We might go look downtown area for some but then you are paying Euro and it adds up alot quicker. I will try some websites see if they ship. If not I will do a white tree and bronze&gold this year. I KNOW JEN GASP ME DOING GOLD. But I think it shall be the only gold I allow in my house. I am not a big fan of yellow gold colors. It makes my skin looked washed out....so I typically carry that ill feeling towards it in all things. Well I did get a really awesome gold Guess purse. So maybe I am changing in my taste as well as other things this year.

I guess I will cut off for now, this is a lame entry, however I felt the need to atleast write something. Now off to tackle the fact that I can not read Jen's blog, it wont let me and I cant add her to my flow list. I am getting quite peeved.

XOXO

Does anything fun every happen on Tuesdays?

It is almost 4pm over here in Belgium and I am tired as hell. I was trying to get some things done and I DID. I love feeling satisfied and accomplished at the little things like when you get your house cleaned, do errands that you wrote down. See I am a GREAT list maker, all organized and planned. BUT over the last 4 months being over here I do not seem to get my lists done. This is how OCD I make my list. For those of you who don't know I am trying to better myself. How so?? Well by loosing this weight I have had on me for 2yrs. I had gained weight back in 03. then lost it in in 04'....gained some back in 05..lost it again. Since 2006 it has been a steady increase. I have no reason except personal problems and laziness. I am trying to keep up on beauty routines like face masks, eyebrow plucking, pedicures things of those nature. So I made a notebook of things to do for the next 6 months. One notebook for weight loos, working out and diet. The other for BEAUTY stuff. Do micro-dermabrasion once a month, scrub feet once a week(I go barefoot a lot need to not let them get rough), pluck eyebrows every two weeks. I HATE PLUCKING...I have had my eyebrows waxed every 3 weeks for the last almost 5yrs. I sneeze and my eyes water up, I feel I make them to thin. But over here cost in EURO and have not found someone I trust. Anyways that is just a little bit of the "planner" in me. With sections on each notebook to write when I did them, how I felt about getting them done. Lame right?

I also decided to quit the bank job I got here only two weeks after being here. I am sick of just working for a good paycheck. I am 26 with not ONE college class under my belt. When I turned 18 I said 1yr off work and have fun then go back to school. I had some stuff happen in 2001(1yr after graduating) that really threw my life out of whack for a year and half. SO yeah that is reasonable reason. After that....nothing. But I am sick of feeling not good enough for anyone. I have friends that I look upon with admiration and just love their dedication to better themselves. I should have had my degree by now.

I talked it over long and hard with my hubby, I can not work full time, go to school full time and loose weight like I need too. You can scoff and say "people do it all the time" BUT I don't just need to loose weight to be toned. It is for health reason..those who have seen me this last year KNOW THAT TOO. I am totally comfortable saying that too. So I am going to work part time and go to school full time while fixing my health. I have been applying at the school for substitute teacher and a few others. I have been getting school things ready, applying for loans, grants..etc BUT CAME TO A SCREECHING Halt. See the problem is I NEVER TOOK MY SAT's. LMAO... I totally forgot about that until I was going to go to the Education Office to get further along in my enrollment. I went to an alternative high school my senior year. Due to that I was 5.75 credits behind, plus my regular Senior year. Well I took extra classes and did correspondence work in order to walk with my class. I GOT IT DONE even when teachers told me to go easy and just graduate in the summer. =( NO WAY I DID IT...well in order to do that I went to the alt. High School because Murray High School charged 60 bucks for every .25 credit you made up.......um mom being on welfare and not working did not fit getting that done. So I did what I had to do as I always did then and still do now. So they never gave us the SAT's. Those who are close to me know why I was behind that many credits. I now need to go and get material and study for Sat's and take them. Going to be weird doing that but what can I do?? Eh? So yeah that is what I am feeling accomplished about. I am finding things out, keeping house clean, working out, dieting, DOING WHAT I SAID I WOULD DO. I love that.....


Phew...that turned into a rant and ramble right?? Well I just wanted to say why I was tired..just getting things done. I am supposed to go to Ryon's football game tonight, he is not there though. That is kinda taking away my motivation to do so. He is in Italy and is hating it. Not Italy but the dorms he is in and stuff. I have not spoken to him for more than 10mins in the last 3 days. I am seriously going to think of switching to a paid cell plan. This pre-paid shit cost waaaaaay to much for a cell phone.


I will cut this off for now and quit boring anyone who is reading...maybe go get to more of what is on my wonderful lists? hahahahahaha

Pure, Pure Boredom

So when you are in a land far far FAR away from your friends who could save you from boredom this is what happens. After taking Ryon to the airport this morning, half a day alone knowing I will be alone all week. NO CABLE..just my books and the internet. I stumbled across this picture maker thingy. Decided to play around with it. Soooo

This is what I looked like when I was a child



If I had been a Barcalona Painting



If I was black, and not being mean..but the website needs to do some updating. They have an option for half ape and it looked just like the black one. HOW RUDE!!








Well lucky me one of the few people I have met and have hung out with outside of the ones in my head...(jokes) has called to invite me for dinner. Off to Kara's house I go for some grub!!

Going in Gently...

To start off with I will stay with simple and sweet. I know my mind is like a vortex of craziness at times and even I get scared trying to go in there. If anyone wants to post comments and give advice on blogs I do post then awesome. If not...oh well. I love to write and make up little songs. I wish I knew how to make a layout that was more me. But that will come later I guess. I am still in shock from yesterday. I have been in Europe now for almost 4 months. I was floating down the Mosel(sp?) River in Germany yesterday. The wine country...and it hit me. I AM FLOATING DOWN THE RIVER IN GERMANY. I can not belive I really get to see all these things, hear all these diffrent launages, see these diffrent cultures for the next 4 years. I am going to make the best of it, and roll with any punches that come my way. I have to admit 2008 has been a year with nothing bad. YES I SAID IT NOTHING BAD...that has not happened for me since....well before I was even in High School. I am not even sure when I stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just have accepted the lucky break and will appreicate every second it stays that way. I have had sad moments this year with my loved ones problems. I just am that way...a friend cries, I start to cry to. They have a problem and I want to help them. But nothing bad in MY life.


PHEW

So anyways just wanted to post a quick entry to show I will be using this to put thoughts on record. This is even more permentent than a journal, atleast that can be burned. Once you put something on the web..it stays there forever, till the smart ones come along and find it even after you deleted it.