Friday, September 26

Why Do I feel so InAdequate

Another long week has passed over here in sunny yet really cold(for Sept anyways) Belgium. This week has had alot of downs but I think has ended on an up note. I have not gotten hired anywhere for a part time job. It is starting to bother me and Ryon I do believe. I got the bank job so quickly and it felt like a blessing. What if it was and me quitting to be selfish and pursue my goals was like a slap in the face? We heard so many horror stories of people not finding work for almost a year, blah blah. Well we found a house quick, furniture got here on time, pay did not get messed up(big one on moving with military) I got a job quick. Nothing was going badly.......

That is why I felt okay to finally say okay no more good paying jobs that I am not liking. Let's do something that will make me happy and secure my future. If I get this degree I will be the FIRST person on either side of my family to get a bachelors degree. That makes me happy to think I can make my mom and dad happy. I can make Ryon happy by earning a decent but I think underpaid salary. Plus can be doing what I love....teaching little kids. Now I have also wanted to be a psychologist,,focusing on criminal or child(I know totally opps) but that is why I will get a minor in Psych. That way when I have children, and have been a far better mom than my own was(I love my mom though) If I still want that, if after years at teaching if I fill a Lil empty. I can go further with psych and then do that instead. I just want to DO SOMETHING that makes A DIFFERENCE. There will always be another person to work at a bank, or be a Mgr at a loan company( I say that cause those are the jobs I have done for last 2yrs) I want to be that Mrs. Collier that noticed a child being abused at home, overcame a child's learning difficulty, told someone about what I grew up around, the shit I have been through and CHOSE to not go down that path, and have them follow my lead. I want to be what I had in my two fave teachers.

Anyways I just hate not feeling like I am giving my husband the support finical he deserves. We make it just fine, everything paid for, and food, and can do something fun every payday. BUT I feel bad when he wants something and we cant buy it right away, or we can not splurge as hard as I want us to be able to. I feel it is my fault. I hate feeling guilty about money. I just feel weak. I hate that I know I do not have the focus on will power right now to loose the weight I need to by working out the way I need to, go to school, keep the house going, and work full time. I can not do that. I felt that doing the school and weight thing was the best thing. Plus I want to work part time. I don't want to be lazy, well let me take that back cause I am a good damn wife.I am not a lazy wife. I am a Domestic Engineer as I like to say. I cook, clean, let him do boy things WITHOUT bitching, I let him have parties and act as hostess. Okay well I like having the parties too, I invite people too.. Not saying I do all these things for him and am unselfish in them. I just am saying that I support him...but I just feel lazy if I dont bring in ANY money at all.

Okay enough blabber pity me for now. I just was feeling that way this week, then I got sick after just two months ago of being sick. I never use to get sick this often.. Got in my first arguement over here in Belgium with my hunnyI hate fighting, I dont have the energy for it anymore. DOnt get me wrong I still like to argue but with him....I just can not anymore. So that sucked that we broke our awesome record. It was one of those"how stupid were we" ones too. BUT today we had a great day the sun was shinning..and I went and looked at puppies. I lovvvvvveee dogs. I love all animals, would not want my Lizzy Loo cat to be with anyone else but me. HOWEVER there is a joy of being able to have a puppy, to roll around with them, train them, know they feel your love and NEED IT. I love how loyal a dog is too. I go to adoption places and want to adopt. I never have though., in San Antonio all the strays running around. I always just saved animals. So it is cool to think of going and "picking" a dog. I like to think of it as they pick you too. If you pull them out of their sad kennel and they want nothing to do with you. Then well maybe they do not need to be with you. But when they are all over you, sit by you. Just want some hugs and kisses. Well is a match. So I saw about 5 I wanted to today. 3 were grown up, maybe 1-2yrs old. The other 2 were lil Amercian Staff Puppies. AWwwwwwww.

So that made my week all better, seeing these dogs, giving them some freedom to run around, someone to pet them, getting all dirty and the puppies trying to lick me. It made all the stress go away. That is why EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE a dog and a cat. We as humans need to have them in our lives to remember the simple things, the de-stressing action of just petting your animal and having it puurrr or smile( I KNOW DOGS SMILE) to have them meow/bark at you when you get home after a crappy 8hr day. As if they are saying " there you are, where have you been, I miss you, hug me hug me hug me". Do you know what I mean?

So that is the week I had, on another postive note.....................drum roll................... I GOT MY VONAGE hoooked up. SO HAPPY, now I can call people and talk all the time, I can get calls. I have been devestated by not being able to talk to people. It made me really see how much I took my granted my cell phone and texting, Just having that lifeline at anytime. Out here in Cow-Land. Crappy pre paid mins, it was getting to me. So yipppppeeee for now I can talk.

SO y'all have a great weekend. Thanks for once again reading my nonsense, blabbing.



BitterSweet said...

Love I thought you guys had all of this situated? That you would work part time...and devote your time to school and working out? Don't give up hope yet about the part time job...IF you guys are okay and you aren't suffering without it...I am sure you will get something soon. YOU are a damn good worker and they would be lucky to have you. I've seen you at work first hand x2 ! :) Keep your head up and focus on what you can right now...I know you are a damn good wife!! I am glad you found a pup to get! He will have a good home with you! Take your worries one day at a time and do what you can each day...I'm finding with what I am trying to change that it only takes a little change each day and it may be hard to see in the moment but looking back on these past couple of days it is easy to see how things come together. I have faith in you!


~B~ said...

Aww thank you!